I've been sick for over a week now, and I have had laryngitis for several days...I think God is asking me to listen, really listen. I realize I need to listen to my own thoughts, to His thoughts, and to the "noise" in which I surround myself...
As I was scanning some pictures from France today, I had an epiphany of sorts~ I was barely in any of the pictures, and I used to love being in pictures, documenting the beautiful places I'm in...I used to love posing and being silly. I loved, love even, capturing my memories with a photo!
The pictures I found, out of hundreds mind you, where I did make an appearance, I heard myself saying, "Oh my! I look disgusting! Is that really me? Are those my legs? Could I be that pudgy!?! Yikes, is that my face...where did my real face go?" As I listened to all of this, I realized I've quit living and began criticizing myself to oblivion! I'm tired of putting myself down and not allowing myself to be alive in my own life!!! How sad is that? I know I'm not alone! I know there are thousands, millions possibly, who have quit living the life they have and stay chained to their own prison of negative thoughts and self-loathing!
Personally, I'm exhausted by living this way (could it be that this virus I'm fighting is a result of negative living??? Possibly...) I'm tired of saying: "Okay, when I lose 'blah, blah' pounds, then, I'll go here or start this or buy that or do this." What about now? I don't know if I have a tomorrow, but I do know I have a today, a right now, so what in the world am I waiting for? I've been tired for a very long time, and I'm ready to feel awake again...
This is what I decided to do today...I will buy myself a great outfit now, not 25 pounds from now (okay so maybe not the literal now but a very soon "now" when I'm finally healed from this cold/virus stuff and feel like shopping)... I will begin working on my goals now, not just when inspiration strikes. I will actually write down my goals, short term and long, and I will write down everything I want to do and begin doing them, NOW! For example, I want to go to plays at my local theatre again. I want to go listen to music again. I want to go and hang out with my friends at Starbucks and just talk and laugh and talk. I want to go to the movies again. I want to go for meditative walks in the park again. I want to go to the library and walk around aimlessly again...I want to go to mass again!
In order to achieve my goals, I have to accept myself, here, now, and always! I have to FORGIVE myself! I have to love myself...maybe even for the first time in my life! I have to allow God to fill me with His Spirit, His love, so I can begin to heal and begin to think differently!! If we allow Him, God can transform us, our thoughts, even our bodies. I believe this! So, I need to begin living like I believe it...I don't want my life to be one of hypocrisy!
I'm a believer in the fact that our thoughts create who we are...years of negative thinking has created what I have now, so I have no one to blame, no circumstance to blame, and, I can no longer blame my ex-husband! If I can forgive him, it's time to forgive myself!!!!!! I must let go of what he did and said to me...Release...
I am committing to thinking differently, so I can eventually manifest the life I truly want, the body I truly want, and the soul I really want...in the Psalms there are several references to one's thoughts...I suppose it's time to listen to God and believe Him! Truly, I want to make my God proud. I want my life to show His power...I want others to know He's alive because they can see Him in me!!
I already took a positive step in the right direction by committing to teaching a belly dance workshop in October...flabby belly and all!!! I even ordered a DVD so I could begin training in dance again!
Peace & Shimmies~
Kimber
