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Dying a Slow Death...

The discouragement and sadness have been weighing heavily around me...it's almost too much to bear. I'm convinced without God, I would have already been crushed by the weight of this darkness that surrounds me!

Getting the news that I have a near $1000 car repair, the news of weighing 211 pounds, and the fact that I feel like I simply can't get my life together has felt like a slow death!

All I can do is lean on my faith and keep moving forward. Giving into the discouragement is easy, effortless, so fighting it feels like I'm battling death!

I must get of this vicious cycle! I must live beyond the mediocrity! Does anyone else ever feel this way? I hope not!

Well, at least the new episode of How I Met Your Mother comes on tonight, so I can have a few laughs at the end of the day! All of those struggling with their own slow deaths, you're in my prayers. Faith is the key...

Thank God for Laryngitis!

I've been sick for over a week now, and I have had laryngitis for several days...I think God is asking me to listen, really listen. I realize I need to listen to my own thoughts, to His thoughts, and to the "noise" in which I surround myself...

As I was scanning some pictures from France today, I had an epiphany of sorts~ I was barely in any of the pictures, and I used to love being in pictures, documenting the beautiful places I'm in...I used to love posing and being silly. I loved, love even, capturing my memories with a photo!

The pictures I found, out of hundreds mind you, where I did make an appearance, I heard myself saying, "Oh my! I look disgusting! Is that really me? Are those my legs? Could I be that pudgy!?! Yikes, is that my face...where did my real face go?" As I listened to all of this, I realized I've quit living and began criticizing myself to oblivion! I'm tired of putting myself down and not allowing myself to be alive in my own life!!! How sad is that? I know I'm not alone! I know there are thousands, millions possibly, who have quit living the life they have and stay chained to their own prison of negative thoughts and self-loathing!

Personally, I'm exhausted by living this way (could it be that this virus I'm fighting is a result of negative living??? Possibly...) I'm tired of saying: "Okay, when I lose 'blah, blah' pounds, then, I'll go here or start this or buy that or do this." What about now? I don't know if I have a tomorrow, but I do know I have a today, a right now, so what in the world am I waiting for? I've been tired for a very long time, and I'm ready to feel awake again...

This is what I decided to do today...I will buy myself a great outfit now, not 25 pounds from now (okay so maybe not the literal now but a very soon "now" when I'm finally healed from this cold/virus stuff and feel like shopping)... I will begin working on my goals now, not just when inspiration strikes. I will actually write down my goals, short term and long, and I will write down everything I want to do and begin doing them, NOW! For example, I want to go to plays at my local theatre again. I want to go listen to music again. I want to go and hang out with my friends at Starbucks and just talk and laugh and talk. I want to go to the movies again. I want to go for meditative walks in the park again. I want to go to the library and walk around aimlessly again...I want to go to mass again!

In order to achieve my goals, I have to accept myself, here, now, and always! I have to FORGIVE myself! I have to love myself...maybe even for the first time in my life! I have to allow God to fill me with His Spirit, His love, so I can begin to heal and begin to think differently!! If we allow Him, God can transform us, our thoughts, even our bodies. I believe this! So, I need to begin living like I believe it...I don't want my life to be one of hypocrisy!

I'm a believer in the fact that our thoughts create who we are...years of negative thinking has created what I have now, so I have no one to blame, no circumstance to blame, and, I can no longer blame my ex-husband! If I can forgive him, it's time to forgive myself!!!!!! I must let go of what he did and said to me...Release...

I am committing to thinking differently, so I can eventually manifest the life I truly want, the body I truly want, and the soul I really want...in the Psalms there are several references to one's thoughts...I suppose it's time to listen to God and believe Him! Truly, I want to make my God proud. I want my life to show His power...I want others to know He's alive because they can see Him in me!!

I already took a positive step in the right direction by committing to teaching a belly dance workshop in October...flabby belly and all!!! I even ordered a DVD so I could begin training in dance again!

Peace & Shimmies~

Kimber

A new blog title...

A friend of mine inspired me to rename this blog...belly bloggin' which is quite appropriate because I belly dance and I'm in the process of losing some excess, unhealthy belly while belly dancing...Thank you, "L!"

Getting it...

Have you ever had a "I get it!" moment? I'm experiencing this now...as I type, I feel like everything I've been seeking is resonating with my very soul! What I believe, what I want, and what I need, I have it all! I simply have to remember to keep coming back to this place when I want to escape (be it with a cupcake, shopping, Facebook, etc.) or when life's challenges become overwhelming...I have to simply be, simply live, unabashedly live my life!

I wrote about "being still" a few blogs back, and this morning while I was reading a devo, the scripture of being still and being patient was in front of me...again. I wonder what I'm supposed to do...hmmmm...let me think...oh! Be still...be with God, be with my self, my thoughts, etc. Cool! I'm getting it!

I was talking to my fabulous friend Missie (hey girl!) the other day, and we were talking about a subject that comes up quite often during our conversations...weight/body frustrations. We had this discussion about making choices. As thirty-somethings, we have to decide what life we want to pursue which includes our food and exercise choices. Do we want to be lazy asses who eat cupcakes (yes, talking to myself here) all day long or do we want to be healthy and vibrant women who change the very face of this world! I choose the latter..The time is now! Each decade brings on more biological challenges, so the time to make those lifestyle choices is NOW! I'm getting it:-)

Choices...Getting it!

Live brightly!

~Kimbergirl

Hey, hey...Don't Take My Crutch Away...

I had a minor, or maybe major, self realization last night...

As I prepared for the school's Class Night, a somewhat formal affair in which it would have been quite appropriate and nice to have worn a dress or skirt, I realized I truly have nothing flattering to wear to the event (Yeah, yeah, everyone woman has uttered these words at some point in her life but in that moment it was completely true). The skirt, my back-up fat plan skirt, didn't fit as preconceived. The skirt ended up making me look like I was wearing a type of brightly colored moo-moo, and I was mortified! When one's back-up fat plan clothes don't fit, a moment of "Oh! Merde!"* happens. I had to take a moment to breathe and go through my options (breathing was better than jumping out the window or going to Blackbird Bakery)~

(A) I could call the school and tell them I have food poisoning (and since I had just went out to eat with my work friends I could have totally pulled that off) and would be unable to make it.

(B) I could wait and call the school thirty minutes after I'm supposed to be there and tell them I have car trouble and would be unable to make it.

(C) I could be a grown-up, find a pair of decent pants, dress up a work shirt, and add more lipstick than usual, then, go and do the job I was assigned and was committed to do.

I chose option "C." How did I deal with the fact that I looked like I was getting ready to teach in the classroom instead of a semi-formal event? How did I deal with really wanting to lay on the couch and eat my sorrows away into oblivion? I chose to be the funny and quirky version of Kimber. Some of my friends think I'm hilarious, but I'm sure some people think I'm quite odd. I realized I unconsciously took the funny route to cover up the fact that I was mortified beyond comprehension and didn't want to be there in the least bit.

Facing Truth is difficult to say the very least...I realized I use the weight as a crutch. *Inner Dialogue...No! I'm not that type of person. I would never use something as a crutch. Pft! Not true....wait...I think I've had this same conversation a year ago about the back-up fat clothes, getting ready to kick it at the gym, getting back on the healthy wagon...and blah and blah and blah...Oh! NO! This is a pattern; I keep coming back to this very place, these very conversations, these very feelings...*

CRUTCH...living the way I've been living has been comfortable for me. I can be self-deprecating and that's funny. People like it when you're a little self-loathing (Why is that? What a bizarre coping mechanism). "Inner Dialogue...hey people are laughing and I have something to talk about...cool! Now, I'm not as nervous...phew! Oh! Here comes the crowds, just smile. All you have to do is keep smiling then when the crowds go away...I can't wait to go home so I can have a Cherry Pepsi and some of these delicious Chef A cookies in peace...*

What the H-E-L-L am I doing to myself? Is it going to be soooo funny when I'm almost 300 pounds and can't stand myself to the Nth degree? Is it going to be funny when I lose every trace of myself for the sake of not wanting to change the status quo or not wanting to be in the social spotlight? Will this be oh so hilarious when I'm dealing with a major health issue because I just couldn't face changing the "knowns" in my life? Does cutting myself down around others benefit anyone? Who am I kidding here?

No, it won't be hilarious! No, being self-deprecating benefits NO ONE! Staying in this "place" would be a great tragedy and truly spitting in the face of God, Creator, and my biggest fan. Not to mention, I would be hurting myself which in turn affects those who are part of my life...we are not our own islands. The way we live our lives is influential whether we want them to be or not. I must realize second chances and tomorrows are not guaranteed. The time is this moment, right here, right now!

I have always felt this responsibility to myself and to those around me. I know it comes from my faith, my connection to God. I realize I have purpose, yet, I am scared to live it. I'm not sure where the fear comes from nor is it all that important to find its source (it has taken years to realize I don't have to analyze it's origins anymore~I simply have to accept that it exists within me). What's important, vital even, is that I accept it, stand toe to toe with it, and conquer it (I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me). I don't need to know it's name or where it comes from or even the reason why it's here, in my soul. I just know I need to finally face it, this fear, this constant companion I've invited into my thoughts, into my life.

After I've faced this fear, whatever it is, I have a responsibility to live my life brightly; to live it with purpose, passion, and without fear!

Instead of telling myself someone needs to take this crutch away, I think it would be better if I did the giving of aforementioned crutch! Truly, unabashedly (the complete opposite of my self-deprecating ways I might add) give this crutch away and begin living a whole different kind of life, a life without vicious cycles, a life with peace and self-assurance, the life I was destined to live all along!

Live brightly!

Peace~
Kimber

Who Knew?!?

I have the best job in the world...

I incorporated a oversized, 1989 NKOTB (New Kids on The Block for those of you born after 1988) button and NKOTB music in a French vocabulary review game today! How, you may wonder (or you may be wondering if your tax dollars are being well spent). The button (I know the true fans are humming "Tonight" as I describe the buttons...The buttons, and the pins, and the loud fanfare....la la la la...Oh! I digress) was the "hot potato" or potate chaude as we French say. The students had to pass la potate chaude while NKOTB music played. When the music stopped, who ever had the button had to tell me a French word from the chapter we are reviewing. Fun, fun, fun! High schoolers think it's funny that their teacher is such a Blockhead (again, if you were born after 1988 this expression has no meaning).

Being able to incorporate a little part of who I am into the classroom is important to me because I want young people to realize thier teachers are simply people who used to be their age, too! Creating an evironment that's "real" is important to me as an educator! Typically, students respond very positively if you simply be yourself in the classroom...it's a true balance of keeping true to your person and still maintaining classroom mangagement.