Thursday, May 20, 2010

Getting it...

Have you ever had a "I get it!" moment? I'm experiencing this I type, I feel like everything I've been seeking is resonating with my very soul! What I believe, what I want, and what I need, I have it all! I simply have to remember to keep coming back to this place when I want to escape (be it with a cupcake, shopping, Facebook, etc.) or when life's challenges become overwhelming...I have to simply be, simply live, unabashedly live my life!

I wrote about "being still" a few blogs back, and this morning while I was reading a devo, the scripture of being still and being patient was in front of me...again. I wonder what I'm supposed to do...hmmmm...let me think...oh! Be with God, be with my self, my thoughts, etc. Cool! I'm getting it!

I was talking to my fabulous friend Missie (hey girl!) the other day, and we were talking about a subject that comes up quite often during our conversations...weight/body frustrations. We had this discussion about making choices. As thirty-somethings, we have to decide what life we want to pursue which includes our food and exercise choices. Do we want to be lazy asses who eat cupcakes (yes, talking to myself here) all day long or do we want to be healthy and vibrant women who change the very face of this world! I choose the latter..The time is now! Each decade brings on more biological challenges, so the time to make those lifestyle choices is NOW! I'm getting it:-)

Choices...Getting it!

Live brightly!


Saturday, May 15, 2010

Hey, hey...Don't Take My Crutch Away...

I had a minor, or maybe major, self realization last night...

As I prepared for the school's Class Night, a somewhat formal affair in which it would have been quite appropriate and nice to have worn a dress or skirt, I realized I truly have nothing flattering to wear to the event (Yeah, yeah, everyone woman has uttered these words at some point in her life but in that moment it was completely true). The skirt, my back-up fat plan skirt, didn't fit as preconceived. The skirt ended up making me look like I was wearing a type of brightly colored moo-moo, and I was mortified! When one's back-up fat plan clothes don't fit, a moment of "Oh! Merde!"* happens. I had to take a moment to breathe and go through my options (breathing was better than jumping out the window or going to Blackbird Bakery)~

(A) I could call the school and tell them I have food poisoning (and since I had just went out to eat with my work friends I could have totally pulled that off) and would be unable to make it.

(B) I could wait and call the school thirty minutes after I'm supposed to be there and tell them I have car trouble and would be unable to make it.

(C) I could be a grown-up, find a pair of decent pants, dress up a work shirt, and add more lipstick than usual, then, go and do the job I was assigned and was committed to do.

I chose option "C." How did I deal with the fact that I looked like I was getting ready to teach in the classroom instead of a semi-formal event? How did I deal with really wanting to lay on the couch and eat my sorrows away into oblivion? I chose to be the funny and quirky version of Kimber. Some of my friends think I'm hilarious, but I'm sure some people think I'm quite odd. I realized I unconsciously took the funny route to cover up the fact that I was mortified beyond comprehension and didn't want to be there in the least bit.

Facing Truth is difficult to say the very least...I realized I use the weight as a crutch. *Inner Dialogue...No! I'm not that type of person. I would never use something as a crutch. Pft! Not true....wait...I think I've had this same conversation a year ago about the back-up fat clothes, getting ready to kick it at the gym, getting back on the healthy wagon...and blah and blah and blah...Oh! NO! This is a pattern; I keep coming back to this very place, these very conversations, these very feelings...* the way I've been living has been comfortable for me. I can be self-deprecating and that's funny. People like it when you're a little self-loathing (Why is that? What a bizarre coping mechanism). "Inner Dialogue...hey people are laughing and I have something to talk! Now, I'm not as nervous...phew! Oh! Here comes the crowds, just smile. All you have to do is keep smiling then when the crowds go away...I can't wait to go home so I can have a Cherry Pepsi and some of these delicious Chef A cookies in peace...*

What the H-E-L-L am I doing to myself? Is it going to be soooo funny when I'm almost 300 pounds and can't stand myself to the Nth degree? Is it going to be funny when I lose every trace of myself for the sake of not wanting to change the status quo or not wanting to be in the social spotlight? Will this be oh so hilarious when I'm dealing with a major health issue because I just couldn't face changing the "knowns" in my life? Does cutting myself down around others benefit anyone? Who am I kidding here?

No, it won't be hilarious! No, being self-deprecating benefits NO ONE! Staying in this "place" would be a great tragedy and truly spitting in the face of God, Creator, and my biggest fan. Not to mention, I would be hurting myself which in turn affects those who are part of my life...we are not our own islands. The way we live our lives is influential whether we want them to be or not. I must realize second chances and tomorrows are not guaranteed. The time is this moment, right here, right now!

I have always felt this responsibility to myself and to those around me. I know it comes from my faith, my connection to God. I realize I have purpose, yet, I am scared to live it. I'm not sure where the fear comes from nor is it all that important to find its source (it has taken years to realize I don't have to analyze it's origins anymore~I simply have to accept that it exists within me). What's important, vital even, is that I accept it, stand toe to toe with it, and conquer it (I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me). I don't need to know it's name or where it comes from or even the reason why it's here, in my soul. I just know I need to finally face it, this fear, this constant companion I've invited into my thoughts, into my life.

After I've faced this fear, whatever it is, I have a responsibility to live my life brightly; to live it with purpose, passion, and without fear!

Instead of telling myself someone needs to take this crutch away, I think it would be better if I did the giving of aforementioned crutch! Truly, unabashedly (the complete opposite of my self-deprecating ways I might add) give this crutch away and begin living a whole different kind of life, a life without vicious cycles, a life with peace and self-assurance, the life I was destined to live all along!

Live brightly!


Friday, May 14, 2010

Who Knew?!?

I have the best job in the world...

I incorporated a oversized, 1989 NKOTB (New Kids on The Block for those of you born after 1988) button and NKOTB music in a French vocabulary review game today! How, you may wonder (or you may be wondering if your tax dollars are being well spent). The button (I know the true fans are humming "Tonight" as I describe the buttons...The buttons, and the pins, and the loud la la la...Oh! I digress) was the "hot potato" or potate chaude as we French say. The students had to pass la potate chaude while NKOTB music played. When the music stopped, who ever had the button had to tell me a French word from the chapter we are reviewing. Fun, fun, fun! High schoolers think it's funny that their teacher is such a Blockhead (again, if you were born after 1988 this expression has no meaning).

Being able to incorporate a little part of who I am into the classroom is important to me because I want young people to realize thier teachers are simply people who used to be their age, too! Creating an evironment that's "real" is important to me as an educator! Typically, students respond very positively if you simply be yourself in the's a true balance of keeping true to your person and still maintaining classroom mangagement.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

*Sigh* Going to France in my Fat Pants....

URGH! I realize I will be going to France, one of my favorite places on Earth in a body that I'm truly frustrated with at the moment...I'm reading Women Food and God, and I agree that we should accept the now! I mean, that's what "Living Brightly" is all about, but at this moment, I'm overwhelmed with my frustration...I feel like I'm struggling to stay above water as I paddle wildly to keep my head from going under....

I'm not alone...I know there are thousands, possibly millions of women and men who are feeling this same wild frustration. This should comfort me, but I'm in my no one understands but me mode, yet, I'm trying to stay present and let God come in to this moment!!!

I'm frustrated from the fat pants to the poof-y belly, and I'm just not happy right now! How do you love the person you are even if that person is impeding upon your goals...I feel like I'm in a boxing match with myself! Am I crazy? Have I finally lost my I bipolar?

The fact remains, I'm...oops! I weigh 204 pounds, I WEAR a size 16/18, and I'm frustrated! Another fact is that I won't lose 50 pounds in 21 days before my departure to France. I must accept the fact that I will go back to France bigger than I want to be therefore I have a choice to make, right here, right now...

I can go to France, enjoy the sites, the sounds, the tastes, and the feelings. I can absorb everything, reflect on everything, and be thankful for everything. OR I can be miserable and stay in a constant state of "woe is me I'm a fat chick in France." I can walk around sad and defeated as the experience passes by me.

Hmmmm...which of the options above sound better? I choose option A...I choose to love the experience and let all the sites & sounds & tastes & feelings truly resonate in my thoughts! I don't know who I will meet. I don't know the experiences that await me. I have to adopt a sense of wonder and awe as I prepare for this sejour en France!

Okay, I accept the fat pants (who knows they could be a bit loose by the time I get on that plane!), and I will say a prayer of thanks for the opportunity to even go across the Atlantic to one of my favorite places and see my family! How blessed am I?

Live Brightly! Enjoy the unexpected!


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Check it....

Go to if you're interested in book reviews of young adult look at the latest news r.e. The Seers!!!

Trashcan Sinatras - Wild Mountainside

This song is like an adult lullaby...beautiful music! Hope you enjoy! I was in a posting mood...I'll blog later!

Final Eclipse Movie Trailer - Official #2 (HD)

'The Twilight Saga: Eclipse' soundtrack cover and 'Score' release date revealed

'The Twilight Saga: Eclipse' soundtrack cover and 'Score' release date revealed

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Sunday, May 9, 2010

OUCH! Lost My Footing...

This weekend has been full of temptations and stumbling blocks, and I'm afraid I've lost my footing a bit. I pray with all my heart, God will give me the strength to continue my Quest for 50!!

I've been surrounded by sunshine today, yet, I felt a darkness encircle my soul like a vulture waiting for its prey...I woke up feeling so exhausted I could barely move. I gave into the physical weakness which led to eating and drinking nothing of value. I ate sweets for breakfast hoping it would give me a boost of energy (it didn't...I ended up sleeping most of the day away) then I picked up a soda, then another, and another!!!!! I even gave into a fast food urge...

Okay, I don't want to get into the gruesome details, but I know I must remain focused despite this glitch in my plans. This moment is renewed! I am not a prisoner of my bad choices although I may have to suffer from some of its inevitable consequences! I can choose right here, right now, not to allow this to permanently knock me off the proverbial horse! I WILL continue to move forward to reach my goals! I choose to live brightly allowing God to comfort me and show me the way!!!

I will go to bed tonight giving to God my frustrations and guilt! I give Him the loneliness and the sadness! I will sleep peacefully knowing, if given another day, I will do better!

Writing about my failures is quite difficult...revealing the negative bits is humiliating and humbling *Feeling shameful and even a little immature about how reactive I was instead of actually dealing with my emotions*. I hope to write from this moment forward about the positive choices I'm making. I am grateful I didn't fall head over heals into a pit...I simply lost my footing!


Grow where you're planted...NOW!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

It's Come to This...

I am slightly miffed about another flimflam a man try to attempt on my romantic soul...Evidently giving yourself a faux name on Facebook doesn't protect you from the creepers out there in Cyber World!

I'm half French, so I have several family members and a few Francophone friends on my Facebook page, so this Matthieu Roux (yes, I'm using the name he gave me in order to protect other unsuspecting women of his creeper ways) thinks he can hoodwink the naive American lady~Non, Monsieur!

This ruse was still disappointing because part of me was hoping that "Matthieu" really did remember my "beautiful face" for all these years and finally found me on Facebook (insert slow, melancholy music here) and is looking forward to getting re-acquainted. Pft! I call "bull shit!" Needless to say this event spurred me to go to the bookstore...

Before my little jaunt to the local million of books store, I had a revelation that my definition of "romance" needs to change. I found a book called "Marriable." (Yes, I am now buying books about dating and's happening, I'm turning into one of those people...hey! Information is power, right?) This book was written by a Christian couple who met via online dating (dun-Dun-DUUUUN!).

This book is written in a he says, she says style, and I think Ms. Dimarco's perspective on romance is an eye-opener for us hopeful romantic types a.k.a. this blogger!! I also liked how the authors were very blunt in their views of traditional male and female roles within the context of a Christian relationship, yes, even promoting.......saving sex for the actual marriage!!!! *GASP!* I'm a total proponent of men being men and women being women (the sexual revolution forever changed the dating world and marriage goals of all old-fashioned ladies across the globe...what's wrong with wanting the man to call you and pursue you...NOTHING)!

I must admit some of the book made me blush out of embarrassment being the "desperate" dating lady that I WAS...ouch! The truth hurts and looking into the mirror really can be quite revealing! The only aspect of the book I didn't jibe with was that dating is a "game" as long as the two players have marriage as the objective. I see their point, but Kimbergirl don't play dat! Yet, the tips Ms. Dimarco gave us dating women types was actually quite useful!

Also, after this book, I have a new outlook on online dating, and I feel I may give it another try. I'm going to look into the best sites, then, I'll try again with a different outlook. I suppose I need to re-evaluate my hopes for a dark-haired, romantic, Catholic, Irishman (a Brit would do as well) who will sweep me off my feet and be my knight in shining armour (he,he, little French play on words) on the back burner and refine what qualities I TRULY desire for my future husband...

Did I just write about dating on a blog? Yes, I sure did! No more connecting my weight with dating rejection. No more using my looks as a crutch for avoiding the land of dating. Time to simply be myself, set boundaries, and begin dating! I never dated per se as a teenager and 20-something (I was married by 21 so I missed out on all the fun of being a college gal who had many dating options...I was an old married fart by 22...*sigh*). I just have to look at it as an adventure, and I can't take it personally when a date doesn't turn into a marriage proposal *rolling on the floor laughing at myself right now.*

Another book I started last night is "You Are Not What You Weigh" by Lisa Bevere (thank you, Jen). I'll let you know what I think of this book after I've read it! Will try to do that tonight...

The point is, the more information one gathers about the issues he or she is in the midst of having, the more perspective you can gain. Talk to people, read books, talk to people, and keep reflecting and refining what you want in your life: spiritual, physical, career, dating, marriage, family, and so on. Focus on what God desires you to know and be~ how exciting is it to know you're on your way to being the best version of yourself, the version God has known was there all along....

Live Brightly....keep growing where you're, in THIS moment!


**Skips off to help a friend with a yardsale...getting ready for a high school picnic with the French Club, uh hem, La Societe Francaise...then movie night!**

Thursday, May 6, 2010

**GASP** The Reveal...

UPDATE: With dread, I chose to smile & be a bit silly for my "before" picture! I was re-acquainted with some good people, and I'm feeling quite fabulous after my Zumba class! I have to remember how great I feel at this very moment after an energetic workout...

Okay, I'm very hesitant to write the truth, but I'm going to do it for those who will be helped by my utter honesty...Alright...Here goes...I can do this...I will be bold...Here...It...Is

204 pounds (how many British stones is that...around 14...yikes?)...REALLY!?! I felt the blood drain from my head, but I know seeing the number is the motivation I need to change my life, to live my life brightly!

I weigh 204, but I am not the 204. I am a woman, a teacher, a Catholic, and a human being. This number will NOT define me nor will it control me! The weight is consequential to the unhealthy habits I have created over the past few months. I allowed a few lousy dating situations inspire an out-of-control, I don't care eating frenzy, well, it STOPS right here, right now! This is it...

I'm going to a Zumba class in less than 2 hours, and I will have a fellow gym member take my "before" picture. I will post it here. I rarely allow pictures to be taken of me, but, again, for the sake of this quest, I will allow myself to be photographed. Be warned, it will be one of few pictures of me weighing this...

For women who have allowed their weight go to 250, 275, 300, and beyond, I will be strong for you, and I will share with you the insights & knowledge I gain on my quest! Do NOT give up on yourself!! Do not let hopelessness creep into your soul...I know it must seem impossible or unattainable! Changing your life is ALWAYS possible as long as you have breath in your body...we CAN and WILL do this!

I know that once you allow hopelessness and the "I don't cares" to be present in your thoughts, you will continue down an unhealthy path. Start NOW...Grow where you're planted...NOW! Allow God to be present in this moment! Cry! Scream! Punch a pillow! Be still! Dance! Anything but eat or the moment, feel the pain and frustration, but do NOT revert to the habits that have gotten you here. Why do you think I'm writing? I write so I can hash out the emotions that I typically don't want to deal with, but I will deal with them, and I will hold my head high!

I could easily go to the couch, put in a DVD, eat a cupcake, and fall asleep. I choose to stay here and write. I choose to go to Zumba at 5:45. I choose to drink my water and stay away from Satan's sweet liquid, Cherry Pepsi. I stay present in my own thoughts, and I will allow myself to be sad and mad about my weight. The difference is...I am ready to create the life I want to live, so I go boldly toward this quest!

LIve brightly!


**Feeling trapped in the wrong body! Thoughts of cupcakes and Funyons pass through my thoughts...NOPE! Not so easy oh sweet temptation. You don't have a stronghold on this lady any longer!! Through Christ I can do ALL things even drive to Zumba class without stopping at the local bakery...**

The New Habits Begin...

The morning begins around 4:30 a.m. (Yes, I'm a little crazy, but I like the stillness of the very early morning~I blame this on my mother who to this day wakes up at 4 a.m.)...I would like to share the good habits I'm implementing, starting NOW!

Good habit number one...drinking a talk glass of water upon waking (I only drank half the glass but it's a start)

Good habit number two...healthy breakfast that included protein, whole grain, and fruit (yes, the fruit was part of a homemade jam my dad made for me but at least it wasn't the overprocessed and oversugared stuff you find at the local grocery store)

Good habit number three...took the time to invite some positive energy into my day by watering my flowers, looking at the quarter moon and saying to myself how much I love looking at the sky, and reading my devo (devo is the cool, hip way of shortening the word devotional...spoke about not reacting but being wise in all things allowing God to be present in those challenging moments)

Good habit number four...saying thank you for the job I have and praying for those who don't right now (Gratitude is a major key in living my humble opinion that is plus there's research to back up my opinion)

Good habit number five...lessened my typically XL cup of coffee with a literal 1 cup, that is 8 ounces, of coffee (finally listening to a dear friend who feels I drink way too much he's right!)

I will report on how my day goes including posting the dreaded number...the starting point, the moment of true revelation. Let me restate that. I will post the number in which represents what I weigh NOT who I am. I am praying it's under 200...if it's 200 or more, I may have a bit of a crying fit!

I digress...Stay tuned for the big reveal:-)


Live Brightly!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The Quest for 50 Pounds

Dare I blog about this? Yes, I dare! I dare to be bold! I dare to be willing...willing to share my story so that other women will not feel alone if they are in a place where they need to lose weight for their health, their self-esteem, and self-love!

I'm making it known, right here, right now, I am going to lose 50, yes FIFTY, pounds! I'm not doing this for a man (God knows I've been there, done that, and only got a crappy t-shirt that says: I lost weight but he still wasn't happy so he wanted a divorce!); I'm not doing this to make anyone proud; I'm not doing this because I have an up and coming class reunion (that's still six years away). I'm doing this because I'm sick of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin!!!!! Sick I tell you!!!!!!

Imagine, not feeling at home within the encompassing tapestry of your own's not a happy place! The French (I'm 1/2 French so I must pay homage to my heritage) have an expression: Etre bien dans sa peau. This means, being well in one's skin. I want that! I want to live that! I want to model that for people who look up to me (hey, it's possible someone looks up to me).

Sadly, this goal has me a bit torn because I ultimately don't believe in a number defining who you are or allowing numbers to give you self worth. When people say "I'm 120 pounds," I cringe. NO! You are a human being that happens to WEIGH 120 pounds. People will also say, "Oh! I'm a size 8." I cringe again! NO! You're a precious soul that happens to WEAR a size 8. You are NOT the number on the scale or on the tag attached to your jeans. We need to reconnect to who we are...this is the MOST important aspect of losing weight.

So, how do I accomplish my goal of being 50 pounds lighter without getting caught in the numbers game that Americans love to play? Any ideas?

To be quite honest, I don't want to weigh myself, but how will I write about my quest if I don't have a starting point??? I will figure this one out and write about my decision at another time!

Tomorrow begins my renewed membership at the gym; I will, for the sake of this quest, weigh myself while NOT letting the number define moi!

I will be proud to share my journey, my quest, with the public at large in hopes that it truly inspires others to finally grow where they're planted and blossom!

*Takes my figurative glass of fabulous champagne (which is great because a figurative glass of champagne has no sugars or calories...rock!) and toasts all women everywhere trying to be themselves, trying to be bien dans sa peau, in a society that judges them by their size and looks...Here's to living our lives brightly, growing where we're planted, and living each moment of our lives on purpose! Salut!*

Live brightly!


Renewing a Gym Membership

**Imagine the song YMCA playing softly in the background as you read through this...arms in the air everyone!**

I'm quite excited this morning because I'm going to spend almost $50 a month for a gym membership this afternoon (Oh! Zumba how I long to de-stress in your Reggae-tone rhythms and Salsa beats)...I'm hoping the financial commitment will be the added motivation I need in order to get back on the health wagon and start living the best version of my life (I mean, who else is going to live my life for me? Duh)!

God asks us to be responsible stewards in this life, and I think that goes for our health and bodies, too. I've gone way too long letting myself go as they say, and I'm over it! I have been a pretty pathetic steward which I'm ashamed to admit! The conviction to change this part of my life is so strong at this point, that I have no choice but to begin making positive changes and creating new (healthy) habits~

I'm over feeling sluggish...I'm over feeling uninspired...I'm over not being able to have fun shopping for new clothes (maybe I just don't like shopping??? Hmmmm, will have to figure that one out later)...I'm simply over not living the life I've been given!

I think at some point we all come to face our personal "demons," and my time is right now. I'm talking really & truly facing them, smackdab in the eyes and ready to fight! They're staring me in the face, trying to intimidate me and distract me from my goals and responsibilities, but I refuse to back down this time! Do your worst! With Christ, I can do all things! So, do I believe the aforementioned or am I hypocrite? I must this moment! I choose my faith~

Okay, is it wrong that I plan on having a good-bye to the old life celebration at my local bakery with coffee & doughnuts before I go this afternoon to renew my gym membership? Did I just give my personal demons a stronghold? Am I weak? Time will tell...

Here's to living in the moment & growing where I'm planted!!!!

Live Brightly!


Monday, May 3, 2010

Self Pity

Self Pity (SP) is a dangerous emotional place...I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and living in the "Woe is me's." I'm finished with SP! I'm ready to live the life I have been so generously given and shame on me for not taking advantage of it at each moment I've been given to breathe!

I wonder if it saddens God when we get lost in our own SP because we're fearful of coming out of the comfort of that place??? I hope He forgives me, but I'm ready to "snap" out of this gloomy mood I've been in for the past few years....THIS IS IT!

My mom & I decided "This is it" is a good theme for life!!! Yes, it was inspired after watching the Michael Jackson DVD!!!

This is a short blog today, but I couldn't sleep, so I decided to come here and let go of the SP monster!! Maybe I'll be able to sleep in peace knowing I've decided life is too precious not to embrace at every moment whether it's perfect or full of challenges, glamorous or simple. Life is meant to be embraced, and I choose to share it with the people who are a part of my little piece of the world.

Good night!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Be Still...

Psalm 46:10 tell us to "be still and know that I am God," and in the Christian Standard Edition it translates into "Stop your fighting and know that I am God." These words have been interpreted in many ways, but, essentially, I think the lesson is to STOP, LISTEN, and KNOW who God is. Find Him in your heart within the stillness of your thoughts. Eastern and New Age thought refers to this meditation which isn't a bad word. We need to meditate on the lessons that God teaches us...

How does one "be still" in the midst of this 21st century world? We're bombarded with technologies and busy-ness: Twittering, Facebooking (amazing how these words have evolved into verbs, huh?), gaming, IPods and IPads, etc, etc. Not to mention we have jobs, families, hobbies, and social lives. How does one balance all the madness in this century? At times, I long for a much simpler way of life, and I suppose I can create that for myself if that's what I desire~We all have that luxury to create our own lives...well, most of us do, for now anyway.

Okay back to the point which is creating stillness in our lives. How does one do this? Every person must decide for themselves how to create this necessary ritual in their lives. For me, it's a battle! I love having my music playing (listening to my IPod shuffle as I type this) or a movie in the background. I have to really make a conscious effort to be in God's stillness which is the only place to truly get comfort and rest.

For example, I decided to take advantage of the beauty and serenity of an arriving storm...the wind was passing through, the birds were flying to their shelter, and I decided to take my Rosary on the back porch and pray. I asked God to show me Truth; the Truth I'm meant to live out in my life. In that stillness, I received a calm in my soul which I couldn't have obtained without choosing to be still.

God will NEVER force us to come to this place of stillness for He values choice, free will. I am certain He smiles each time we make even the smallest effort to meet Him in this place of stillness...when we turn off the t.v.'s, the radios, the MP3's, and the computers.

I have had many heartaches over the past few months, most of them perpetuated from self-pity, but, nonetheless, heartaches. I realize more and more how the answers to our frustrations really do exist in our hearts, our souls where God waits. He waits in the stillness that we must choose to go....

Be still...Know...Truth...Peace...

"Grow where you're planted!"