I had a minor, or maybe major, self realization last night...
As I prepared for the school's Class Night, a somewhat formal affair in which it would have been quite appropriate and nice to have worn a dress or skirt, I realized I truly have nothing flattering to wear to the event (Yeah, yeah, everyone woman has uttered these words at some point in her life but in that moment it was completely true). The skirt, my back-up fat plan skirt, didn't fit as preconceived. The skirt ended up making me look like I was wearing a type of brightly colored moo-moo, and I was mortified! When one's back-up fat plan clothes don't fit, a moment of "Oh! Merde!"* happens. I had to take a moment to breathe and go through my options (breathing was better than jumping out the window or going to Blackbird Bakery)~
(A) I could call the school and tell them I have food poisoning (and since I had just went out to eat with my work friends I could have totally pulled that off) and would be unable to make it.
(B) I could wait and call the school thirty minutes after I'm supposed to be there and tell them I have car trouble and would be unable to make it.
(C) I could be a grown-up, find a pair of decent pants, dress up a work shirt, and add more lipstick than usual, then, go and do the job I was assigned and was committed to do.
I chose option "C." How did I deal with the fact that I looked like I was getting ready to teach in the classroom instead of a semi-formal event? How did I deal with really wanting to lay on the couch and eat my sorrows away into oblivion? I chose to be the funny and quirky version of Kimber. Some of my friends think I'm hilarious, but I'm sure some people think I'm quite odd. I realized I unconsciously took the funny route to cover up the fact that I was mortified beyond comprehension and didn't want to be there in the least bit.
Facing Truth is difficult to say the very least...I realized I use the weight as a crutch. *Inner Dialogue...No! I'm not that type of person. I would never use something as a crutch. Pft! Not true....wait...I think I've had this same conversation a year ago about the back-up fat clothes, getting ready to kick it at the gym, getting back on the healthy wagon...and blah and blah and blah...Oh! NO! This is a pattern; I keep coming back to this very place, these very conversations, these very feelings...*
CRUTCH...living the way I've been living has been comfortable for me. I can be self-deprecating and that's funny. People like it when you're a little self-loathing (Why is that? What a bizarre coping mechanism). "Inner Dialogue...hey people are laughing and I have something to talk about...cool! Now, I'm not as nervous...phew! Oh! Here comes the crowds, just smile. All you have to do is keep smiling then when the crowds go away...I can't wait to go home so I can have a Cherry Pepsi and some of these delicious Chef A cookies in peace...*
What the H-E-L-L am I doing to myself? Is it going to be soooo funny when I'm almost 300 pounds and can't stand myself to the Nth degree? Is it going to be funny when I lose every trace of myself for the sake of not wanting to change the status quo or not wanting to be in the social spotlight? Will this be oh so hilarious when I'm dealing with a major health issue because I just couldn't face changing the "knowns" in my life? Does cutting myself down around others benefit anyone? Who am I kidding here?
No, it won't be hilarious! No, being self-deprecating benefits NO ONE! Staying in this "place" would be a great tragedy and truly spitting in the face of God, Creator, and my biggest fan. Not to mention, I would be hurting myself which in turn affects those who are part of my life...we are not our own islands. The way we live our lives is influential whether we want them to be or not. I must realize second chances and tomorrows are not guaranteed. The time is this moment, right here, right now!
I have always felt this responsibility to myself and to those around me. I know it comes from my faith, my connection to God. I realize I have purpose, yet, I am scared to live it. I'm not sure where the fear comes from nor is it all that important to find its source (it has taken years to realize I don't have to analyze it's origins anymore~I simply have to accept that it exists within me). What's important, vital even, is that I accept it, stand toe to toe with it, and conquer it (I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me). I don't need to know it's name or where it comes from or even the reason why it's here, in my soul. I just know I need to finally face it, this fear, this constant companion I've invited into my thoughts, into my life.
After I've faced this fear, whatever it is, I have a responsibility to live my life brightly; to live it with purpose, passion, and without fear!
Instead of telling myself someone needs to take this crutch away, I think it would be better if I did the giving of aforementioned crutch! Truly, unabashedly (the complete opposite of my self-deprecating ways I might add) give this crutch away and begin living a whole different kind of life, a life without vicious cycles, a life with peace and self-assurance, the life I was destined to live all along!
Live brightly!
Peace~
Kimber
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